The other side of

Everything is Fine.

Domestic Violence

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Statistics

DV Stats in the US

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Mental Health

Impact of DV

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Find Help

Resources for DV

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Jade's Story

"Just Trying to Survive"

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See the Signs

Resources for DV

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Awareness

DV on Men

The fear of violence without consequences to abusive men. The failure of justice for survivors in this country is failure of humanity in some sense of the the word. The following view not apply to ALL men in this world. This also is not saying that there are not abusive and narcissistic woman. In this article we are talking about the abuse and disrespect as a whole to women.
What it feels like to be a woman in this world feels scary and hopeless at times. Constantly be aware of your surrounding, Don’t walk to your car alone at night, Always have pepper spray or a rape whistle, Be ready to run or fight.
I know many, MANY, strong women in my city. Unfortunately now, being a strong woman makes you a target for weak and insecure men. When you speak out against people who would endanger the safety of any individual seems to be met with a “survival of the fittest” attitude.

"Just trying to survive"

Jade M. We thank you for letting us use your story as a brave survivor:
Dark times in her young life, feeling like an outsider to her immediate and extended family. Experiencing regular emotional abuse and neglect she never learned how to form healthy relationships. The extremely emotional abuse household she grew up in did not shed an light on how to treat other people with kindness but most important – WHAT SHE DESERVED was not a life of abuse. Jade was sure it came across as extremely needy which made her search for love and companionship move desperate for every day that went by. Even worse she could not see ANY obvious red flags when it was in Toxic relationships. With one parent having an alcohol problem “Dewers on the rocks” and the other parent being confrontational made it so she was on her own.
In Jade’s situation it started with mainly emotional and psychological abuse. This was everything she was accustom to as this was her whole home life growing up. Gas Lighting was the main everyday featured event. At the time she did not know that there was a life that did not have to include these things. She did not know when I was a kid this was just laying the ground work for all the abuse in relationships and ultimately a marriage. If someone was calling her names and telling her that she was not enough that was all she needed to enter into another toxic relationship.
After tolerating years of emotional abuse, cheating and emotional manipulation.. The next steps for her abuser were physical violence and sexual assaults. “Friends” would comment “didn’t think you were like that, ya know to let a man do that to you” “thought you were stronger than that.”
Just for reference people – use your fucking brain and don’t say things like that to a person who is obviously suffering. When a person is going through a situation like this the best you can do -If you are truly their friend- is offer resources like domestic violence hotline number or local shelter in the area. I am not a doctor BUT I can tell you, just because you think you have it all figured out does not mean everyone is there yet. If you cant offer support then best to keep your mouth shut and atleast be a safe place for them. No need to make them feel more isolated.
I can continue to tell you the story on the scars that this left on her body and heart but I will save you all that and let you know.. After 10 LONG years Jade was able to leave the situation and thankfully get the help she needed. I can’t say that she is over the past because it’s never that easy. A lot of us who have been in toxic relationships we know the toll it keeps with us.

The main thing I took from Jades story it that it all starts at home. I heard a quote once and I believe it to be true:
“If you don’t heal your demons, it’s your demons that raise your kids”

"Just the stats" on Domestic violence in the US

– About 29% of women and 10% of men in the US have experienced rape, physical violence, or stalking by a partner, which has adversely impacted their daily functioning.

– Nearly 15% of US women (14.8%), and 4% of men, have suffered injury due to intimate partner violence, including rape, physical violence, and/or stalking.

-Around 1 in 4 women (24.3%) and 1 in 7 men (13.8%) aged 18 and older in the US have endured severe physical violence from their partner at some point in their lives.

– In the United States, more than one in three women (35.6%) and one in four men (28.5%) have encountered rape, physical abuse, or stalking by a partner at some point in their lives.

– Almost half of both women and men in the US have been subjected to psychological aggression by an intimate partner during their lifetime — 48.4% and 48.8%, respectively.

– Intimate partner violence tends to be most prevalent among women aged 18 to 34.

– An overwhelming majority of women- 77% of ages 18 to 24, 76% of ages 25 to 34, and 81% of ages 35 to 49- who are victims of intimate partner violence have suffered the same fate previously at the hands of the same offender.

Impact of Domestic Violence on Mental Health

The impact of domestic violence on mental health in the United States is profound and far-reaching. Individuals who experience domestic violence often suffer severe psychological consequences as a result of the trauma they endure. Continuous exposure to abuse, whether it be physical, emotional, or sexual violence, can lead to a range of mental health issues.

Survivors may develop symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), experiencing intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, nightmares, and heightened anxiety or hypervigilance. The trauma of domestic violence can profoundly disrupt an individual’s sense of safety, causing them to constantly anticipate harm, and leading to ongoing emotional distress.

Some 1.2 million women and 700,000 men experience domestic violence each year, according to the Office for National Statistics.

However, these figures relate only to official reports of violence, with the real figure likely to be much higher. The effect on survivors’ mental health is profound and obvious.

Research suggests that women experiencing domestic abuse are more likely to experience mental health problems. In contrast, women with mental health problems are more likely to be domestically abused, with 30-60% of women with mental health problems have experienced domestic

Exposure to domestic violence has a significant impact on children’s mental health. Many studies have found strong links between poorer educational outcomes and higher levels of mental health problems.

Don't wait, Get Help!

If you see these signs in your relationship it is time to get help.

There are three phases in the cycle of violence: (1) Tension-Building Phase, (2) Acute or Crisis Phase, and (3) Calm or Honeymoon Phase. Without intervention, the frequency and severity of the abuse tends to increase over time. Over a period of time there may be changes to the cycle.
Shelter for help in emergency. Click here.

The other side of

Everything is Great.

Domestic Violence

"I didn't know violence was not normal."

Abuse, What is that? When I was young I did not understand that other children were not in a home where they were yelled at everyday just for being who they were. I lived with a woman who thought that as a child I was supposed to automatically know how to live and function in the world. Everyday I got home I would wonder when the other shoe would drop and I would be “Evil, Fat, Stupid” or much worse. I remember thinking – I don’t know what I did wrong. Turns out just being who I was naturally was the problem. Growing up in the late 70’s early 80’s you were taught to keep you mouth shut about matters that happen inside your home. So as you could image a lot of kids of my age have been through what feels like a war just to survive.

"Growing up in the late 70's early 80's you were taught to keep you mouth shut about what happen inside your home"

It started with mainly emotional and psychological abuse. Gas Lighting was the main everyday featured event. At the time I did not know that there was a life that did not have to include these things.I did not know when I was a kid this was just laying the ground work for my abuse relationships and ultimately my marriage. If someone was calling me names and telling me I was not enough that was all I needed to enter into another toxic relationship.

"could not see ANY obvious red flags"

Fast Forward through years of being an outsider in my immediate and extended family because I never learned how to form healthy relationships so I was always socially awkward. I am sure it came across as extremely needy which made it even more awkward. I did not understand what LOVE was supposed to look like so I allowed what I knew to poison every good situation I entered. Even worse I could not see ANY obvious red flags when I was in Toxic relationships.

"I would open the door for the most painful decade of my life."

The first time I met my ex-husband I was about 12 or 13. He came to my house with one of his friends, I never knew then that when I would see him again, a decade later I would make a decision that would change my life forever. I would open the door for the most painful decade of my life.

"we seemed to have bonded over our collective pain"

I remember the small things. When I ran into him in my 20’s I remember how beautiful I thought his eyes were. I remember thinking about how random it was and that I was surprised that he remembered my name cause I had forgot his in the moment. It was the end of January and he had plans that night with his friends. Instead he bailed on them and we spent every day afterwards together. We would watch movies and order take out. He was so respectful (at the time) and he never pressed me to have sex right away. He was patient and giving and kind but still familiar in a dark way I could not put my finger on. We had both been through a lot as kids with neglect and abuse so in our 20’s we seemed to have bonded over our collective pain.
I remember a day he was wearing blue fleece pants, we were in the basement and he was telling me about his pain. It was like I could see into his soul. The way he talked about it was so familiar. It was despair and loneliness and I knew exactly what he was talking about. Another time there were red flags that I would not see because our pain had us united.

"It was despair and loneliness and I knew exactly what he was talking about"

The first time he ever showed me that I should have my guard up we were sitting in a car and I asked him if he wanted to go in store we were sitting outside of. He snapped at me and said “Are you my fucking mom?!” As he slammed his hand on the dashboard. I can see it so clearly still. The layout of the cars and what we were facing. That was my moment… Run… Escape.. It’s only going to get worse from here.

"As a kid I was taught that I had no value"

As a kid I was taught that I had no value, so the thought of “saving” myself from the first person I could relate to just seemed like a bad idea. Later that day he apologized. I am sure that everyone knows where the story goes from here. Obviously there was abuse (because I never let things go), gas lighting (because I was always making things up apparently), cheating (of course it was my fault he cheated). So much and for so long. There were so many girls that he would have thm send letters to his grandmothers house for him so I would not catch him. I mean that seems completely normal and healthy right?

"It always ended or started the same"

It always ended/started the same. Flowers, deeply thought full gifts. Depending on the severity of the explosion that was just endured that was how much thought was put into the gift or gesture. The range was so vast I cant even set and estimated value for anything. We are talking about Champagne, chocolate covered strawberries, rack of lamb, jewelry on one side and the pumpkin thru my windshield or bloody nose on the other. Sleeping with knives under your pillow or a cast iron pan at the side of your bed are things I could have lived without.

I do know one thing. It never seemed like the “right time” to leave. The time I had finally left it was not long before he would show up at my friends houses. All of my jobs have had the unfortunate experience of him “stopping by” to drop off lunch or a drink or something just to get in the door. He would leave notes and gifts on the car. He would go to my parents house. It seemed like it would never end. My brother told me something once and I never forgot it “persistence outweighs resistance”. He was 100% right. My ex-husband was persistent and committed when he wanted something. It took everything I had (emotional, financial and physical) to never go back to that relationship again. It took 3 years before he would agree to sign divorce papers.

I am sure I could have added more details about how it felt like I lived in a cage everyday of my life or the empty hole of what neglect and abuse feel like. This is the part of the story I felt comfortable sharing. There are times were I think even this is too much for the internet to know. 

Quick Resources for Help.

Some helpful links for help when you are in need. In a crisis or emergency situation that required immediate attention Call 911.

National Domestic Violence Hotline Hours: 24/7:
800-799-7233
https://www.thehotline.org/

 

If you are located in NYS you can call or text the Domestic Violence or Sexual Violence hotline 24/7 at:
Call 800-942-6906 or Text 844-997-2121
https://opdv.ny.gov/survivors-victims

National Mental Health Association help link:
https://www.mhanational.org/finding-help

National Institute of Mental Health:
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/find-help

If you are in the NYC area you can find free confidential crisis counseling information here:
https://www.nyc.gov/site/doh/health/health-topics/nyc-well.page

The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals in the United States.
https://988lifeline.org/